


Love Isn't Always Enough

by orangina



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Borussia Dortmund, Break Up, FC Schalke 04, German National Team, M/M, Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2015-01-19
Packaged: 2018-02-25 09:49:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2617433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orangina/pseuds/orangina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Instances in which Benedikt is upset with Mats.</p><p>Notes: I posted this originally on November 14th as a one shot, but now I've added another chapter. The two chapters are unrelated (plot-wise) but follow a similar concept so I decided to put them under the same title. I may add more chapters in the future.</p><p>{Failed experiment}</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Instance #1: Benedikt has to do a little thinking about how this relationship is working out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hömmels is my new obsession. My first time ever writing Hömmels so it might suck. I don't even know what this is. Feedback is very much appreciated :)
> 
> [All mistakes and typos are my own]

Three weeks.

Three weeks it had been since Benedikt last heard from Mats.

Benedikt had wanted to text him, call him, drive down to Dortmund and make love to him. But he resisted. He wanted to see if Mats cared enough about their relationship to initiate anything. Benedikt was disappointed but not surprised when Mats failed to impress him.

He’s busy, Benedikt told himself. _So am I. We’re in the same situation._

He’s exhausted, the stress of captaining a losing team must be getting to him. _Isn’t that what I’m here for? Why doesn’t he ever come around?_

We’re still in love. He’s just being Mats. _But why can’t he show it?_

“It can’t go on like this anymore, Mats,” Benedikt says quietly. He’s seated against the backboard of the hotel bed, arms wrapped around his knees, as if protecting himself from Mats’ rebuttal that is sure to come.

Mats flips through channels on the TV, slouched over in an armchair. His sweatpants are slung low around his hips and his white t-shirt is tight, clinging to his muscular pecs and abs. Benedikt tries to avert his eyes from that beautiful body he knows so well, but he finds it even more difficult to focus on the man’s face. Mats looks clueless, bored, lazy. Typical Mats Hummels. It hurts Benedikt. Benedikt is the one who takes care of the logistical stuff, steers the relationship. Mats tags along for the sex.

Finally, Mats gives up his channel search and switches off the TV. He yawns hugely, stretches and straightens up. He clears his throat and addresses his boyfriend.

“Benni, I love you. You know that.” His expression turns solemn as he watches Benni, knowing that he’s feeling upset again. Mats can tell from the dullness in the Schalker’s hazel eyes, even from across the room.

“I’m not so sure about that.”

Mats’ chest falls. Not again. He worked so hard for Benni, practically begged him for a real relationship and Benni finally gave in. Now it seemed the tables had completely turned. Mats may be a shitty boyfriend sometimes, but that didn’t mean he didn’t love Benni with everything he had.

“Let me show you,” Mats suggests. “I’ll show you how much I love you.” He awaits Benni’s approval to come closer. It never comes.

“It’s not all about the sex Mats,” Benni replies icily. “It’s about both of us. We both have to make sacrifices if we want this to work. Spending a night together once in a blue moon on international breaks isn’t cutting it.”

Mats doesn’t say anything. Benni is right.

Benni bites his lip and continues, almost inaudibly. “Love isn’t always enough, Mats. It hardly ever is.”

Mats shakes his head, rubs his hair uncomfortably. His only defense is his love for Benedikt. He has nothing else, nothing to show for himself. So he says, “I’m sorry.”

Benni closes his eyes and bows his head. He lifts one hand to pinch the bridge of his nose between his eyes. Mats hates seeing him like this, disappointed and helpless.

“Don’t give up on me, Benni. Please.” He feels the bile rising in his throat. He’s always been afraid of this moment, the moment when Benni finally got sick of his shit. The fear was always there, but not enough to keep him from doing what he was used to. Coasting along and enjoying the ride.

Mats doesn’t recall his brain giving approval to rise from the armchair and approach Benni’s bed. But he finds himself doing this anyway, the shuffling of his feet across the carpet magnified a thousand times in the buzz of silence. Benni’s eyes do not open.

Tentatively, he rearranges a pillow and sits himself next to the blond, the mattress squeaking under his weight.

“I’ll...I’ll be better for you. I promise. Just give me one last chance. I’ll call you every night, I’ll visit you twice a week and I’ll--”

Benedikt silences him by covering his mouth with a gentle hand. The simple gesture sends tingling sensations across Mats’ cheeks and lips, and even when Benni pulls his hand away, Mats still feels the soft, pale skin against his own. Mats blinks.

Mats doesn’t have to wait long, however, to have that beautiful feeling again. Benni falls against him, burying his head into the crook of his neck and Mats wraps his arms around the man, feeling Benni’s heat already combining with his own as they are pressed together. He almost misses the fact that Benedikt is shaking.

“Are you cold?” Mats says stupidly.

“No.”

“I can bring you some food from downstairs if you’re hungry,” Mats tries again, willing himself to just shut up. He desperately wants to believe that Benni’s discomfort is an outside factor, not something that he, Mats, did. Or didn’t do.

Benedikt pulls away suddenly, blushing fiercely. He swings his legs over the side of the bed facing away from Mats, his bronze hair ruffled slightly.

“I’m fine,” he says unconvincingly. “I...I just want to be alone for a little while. I don’t want to ask you to leave so I’m going to go somewhere for a short time.” Slowly, Benedikt stands up and slides on his shoes.

Mats watches him helplessly. “Where’re you going?”

Benni sighs. “I don’t know. I’ll be back, I just want some time to think about things between us without you around. I’m sorry.” He places a hand on the door handle.

Mats doesn’t want him to leave, because if Benni leaves he may not come back. He wants to beg Benni to stay, force him to stay and prove to him that they can work. Mats knows he can change his behavior, he can treat Benni right. Benni just has to give him the chance.

 _He’s going to Manuel,_ thinks Mats miserably. Benni always goes to Manuel when he’s upset. Mats would never admit it to Benni, but he does get jealous. He trusts Benni wholeheartedly, but there’s...history.

“Don’t leave,” Mats practically moans from his spot on Benni’s bed.

“I’ll talk to you later, Mats,” Benni says with finality.

“I love you,” says Mats.

Benedikt turns to him with a raised eyebrow, his hand still on the door handle. “I love you, too, Mats,” he says exasperatedly.

Then he pulls the door open and leaves.

Mats pushes back the covers of Benni’s bed, climbs under them and settles in, the homely and familiar scent of Benni all around him. He tries to ignore the pounding in his head by burying his face in a thick, soft pillow, his hair flopping around his face. But the overwhelming scent of Benni fills his nose and offers no forgiveness. A pathetic noise escapes Mats’ lips and is muffled by the pillow.

It’s still warm where Benedikt was just sitting.

_Why am I such a fuck up?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Instance #2: Mats loves waking up with Benedikt, but Benedikt is always worried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I explained what's going on with this in the summary for the whole story. Hope the format isn't too confusing :P

Mats’ favorite part of international breaks was being with Benni.

Specifically, waking up with Benni. He liked waking up with Benni even more than falling asleep with Benni because when he fell asleep at night, Benni was always still awake and watching him. But in the mornings, their roles reversed. When Mats woke up in the mornings, Benni was always still asleep. And he always looked beautiful like this.

He looked beautiful, Mats thought, because this was Benni in his purest, most vulnerable form. All the stresses and pressures of the day were lifted from his expression and left only a slight pull at the corners of his slightly parted lips. His eyebrows sat in a neutral position above his gently shut eyelids; there were no tight creases or folds to be seen. His fine eyelashes skated above his freckled cheeks and sometimes, when time and location permitted, the only sound Mats could detect was the deep breathing of his Benedikt. The early morning sunlight splashed through the windows and showered Benni in a honey-toned glow, making his ruffled, thinning hair and cream pale body turn gold. He looked like an angel, Mats thought. An archangel.

Mats smiled as he watched Benni sleep, still feeling rather lethargic himself. Sometimes Mats would discover a cool wet spot on his chest or on the sheets because Benni was a drooler, but only when he slept with Mats. Benni did not know this; Mats was saving the secret for when he needed to embarrass his Benedikt. If it weren’t for Mats’ attention to brush Benni’s cheek dry with the corner of the pillowcase each morning, then maybe the secret wouldn’t have kept for this long. Another reason why Benni’s drooling was to Mats’ advantage was because it supplied him with evidence that Benni slept with his head tucked underneath Mats, pressed up against his domineering heart beat. But other than that, he couldn’t really determine what Benni did to him while he slept. It was an unspoken agreement that sleep time was a time Mats and Benedikt could enjoy each other in private without any judgement from each other. They would never really know how they slept together. All they knew was that they both loved the feeling.

Whenever Benni’s breath hitched, Mats’ heart sped up because he was worried Benni might be waking up. Sometimes Benni did wake up when this happened and other times he didn’t. Mats didn’t like when Benni woke up because Benni worried a lot in the morning. It eased off before they went to breakfast, but nerves hit Benni like a brick in the morning and Mats didn’t like it because no matter what he did, he felt as if nothing would suffice to comfort his Benedikt.

One morning, Mats woke up and he knew something was wrong because the place next to him was cold and empty. He found himself sprawled at an awkward angle on his stomach, half of his head on the pillow and half of it hanging off the bed. One of his arms was trapped beneath his own body, limp and numb, so he snaked it loose with a grimace then adjusted himself to a more comfortable position.

“Benni?” he said in a sleepy voice before drawing in a deep, stuffy yawn.

He listened for any sounds in the hotel room that would indicate Benni was still here. Maybe he was taking advantage of the crappy coffee maker that came with their room. Maybe he was showering.

But Mats didn’t hear anything. He rolled out of bed in just his boxers, his head heavy and his feet icy cold. He got a little dizzy from getting out of bed so fast but he ignored that.

Where had his Benedikt gone?

He checked every nook and cranny of the suite, the bathroom and the balcony even though he knew Benni wouldn’t be here because the suite was as cold and empty as Benni’s place on the bed was. He didn’t find Benni but he did find a small slip of paper folded up into four quadrants. It was sitting next to the head of Mats’ toothbrush by the sink.

Frowning, his brain in a muggy dreamlike state of disbelief, Mats’ hand flew out and plucked up the paper. He fumbled as he pried it open and instantly recognized Benni’s thin, connected handwriting.

 

 

> _I’m really sorry about this. I wanted to tell you in person but I’m a coward. I don’t feel comfortable doing this with you anymore. I have a girlfriend whom I love dearly and this isn’t fair to her, but besides that, I hate how this is a secret. We’re lying to everyone close to us. We’re lying to the world. But most of all, we’re lying to ourselves. Don’t come chasing after me because I’ve already gone home and I’m back where I belong. I’m sorry, Mats. I’ll always love you but this isn’t working and it will never work. Please forgive me._

 

No, Mats thought.

No, he was not going to forgive Benni. The words hadn’t even settled in his mind yet but he already knew that he wasn’t forgiving Benni and he never would. How could he when everything Benni was saying was wrong?

Still, through it all, Mats knew that the words held some element of truth. This was why Benni woke up anxious and nervous every morning with him, fear dancing in his eyes. Nighttime is an odd time; night changes people. Night can disguise who you truly are into who you want to be. But then when morning came you’d be right back to where you came from.

The note blurred before Mats’ eyes. He couldn’t tell whether it was because his brain didn’t want to see the words anymore or if his eyes were clouding up with emotion. The memories played through his mind and up until now, up until this revelation, Mats never really noticed how bad Benni’s morning-come anxiety really was. One time he’d gotten so nauseous that Mats suggested he take the day off and miss the match, but he never ended up needing to. One time Benni had nearly cried and the only reason he hadn’t was because he was a man who swelled with a modest, respectful pride. Mats couldn’t figure out what was bothering his Benedikt, but he was able to brush it off when Benni was smiling again with the rest of their teammates hours later.

But this time, it was so bad that Benni couldn’t stand it anymore.

And now he was gone.


End file.
